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I dragged my son up the bleachers of the local high school gymnasium. "But daddy! I don't wanna see Paul Ryan! He's creepy!" he said. "Shut up, son, we're going to see him." I really hate my son, he's such an asshole. "You don't even like Paul Ryan!" At this comment, I turned my head towards him menacingly and said, "I know. We're just here for the free candy. Wait, correction, I'm here for the free candy. You're just here because I couldn't find a babysitter and your mom's dead." He started crying, and I laughed at him. Of course, his mother wasn't really dead, she just ran off. Haven't seen her since. I just like telling him that to make him cry. IT IS ONE OF MY FEW JOYS IN LIFE.

Eventually, I found a seat. Just as we sat down, Paul Ryan came out. The crowd cheered, and I vomited on a monkey sitting in front of us that looked suspiciously like the love child of Jenna Jameson and Chuck Norris. Luckily, it melted into a puddle of semen. Eggs to eggs, sperm to sperm, I always say. Immediately, I decided I should probably lay off the LSD and cocaine for a while. Immediately after that, I decided I'd start stopping the next day and popped another ecstasy pill.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" he said to the crowd, who immediately quieted down. This was their god, I knew. I hated the man. He was pure evil, and I knew one day, somebody would have to bring that motherfucker DOWN! I just didn't expect it to be me.

"I'm glad you're all here today. As you all know, Obama is a black socialist homosexual Nazi fascist Muslim commie pinko, and is therefore evil. Biden is, too, except, you know, he's not black. BUT HE LIKES BLACK PEOPLE! Also, socialism is a religion and Islam is a political viewpoint." That probably wasn't his speech, but it probably amounted to that. I was too busy masturbating to the porn movie playing on the gym floor to pay attention. Finally, he said, "FREE CANDY FOR EVERYONE!" and I was all ears. Several demonic entities rose from Hell and started throwing it to us. Some landed at my feet, and I eagerly scooped it up. I was just about to eat it when I saw my son pick up a piece and unwrap it, and before I could stop him from eating my precious candy, it went down his slimy gullet. I was about to scream in rage, when suddenly, everybody's eyes turned green.

"Now!" said Ryan, "You will all vote for Romney. Understand?" All the people responded, in unison, "Yes. Vote for Romney." All of them, including my son. "Son, snap out of it!" I said, punching him in the face so hard, his head flew off. A blood fountain rose out of his neck as he flailed and a few seconds later, he hit the ground. Enraged that my favorite toy was now broken, I jumped off the bleachers and onto the gym floor. "What the fuck?! How are you not under my control?" the demon wailed angrily.

"You despicable fiend!" I screamed, "I'll never forgive you for poisoning delicious candy with evil mind control and deceiving this crowd with your lying confectionary! Even Willy Wonka is angry! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!" Ryan looked at me confusedly for a wee bit, and that's when I realized that I was not Sailor Moon, nor would I ever be a pretty sailor soldier of justice. I wept for a second, then said, "You bastard! How dare you crush a girl's hopes and dreams of becoming a pretty sailor soldier of justice! Even Princess Naoko is angry! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!" He looked even more confused, then said, "But you're a guy." I considered this for a bit and said, "Yes, yes I am." Then I punched Ryan in the gut.

He stumbled back for a bit and said, "You bastard! You'll pay for that! I don't even know what a sailor soldier of justice or whatever is!" I gasped, aghast at his ghastly evil. "PHILISTINE!" I screamed as I kicked him in the face. He stumbled back again, hands over his face, and when he moved his hands, I saw the most disturbing thing I had ever seen in my life. It was Paul Ryan's face! Oh yeah, he also had a nosebleed. Actually, that made him look slightly better. So only the second most disturbing sight I've seen in my life. He looked at me angrily, eyes filled with HATRED and EVIL, and said, "I'll kill you!"

"You know," I said, "you look kinda sexy when you're angry." Immediately, the hatred and evil left his eyes. "Really?" I had him right where I wanted him. "Oh sure. What's a handsome guy like you doing being all evil and such?" Ryan straightened himself up a bit and said, "Because, evil is sexy." I seductively advanced towards him and said, "My place or yours?"

And so, we went to the hotel he was staying in, and we had lots of kinky sex. Then I stabbed him while he was sleeping, stole his wallet, and bought lots of drugs with the money I got. It was awesome.
Third annual Halloween story.

Funny story about how this came to be, at my university, there's a feature on the library website where you can have a chat session with a librarian and ask them questions. Having no idea what I was going to write, I went on that chat and asked a librarian for help. We decided it should be about a creepy politician who hands out mind control candy at a rally.
Salanti Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's so what the fuck happened, that I can't stop laughing.
akatsuki-dragon Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:icondafuqplz: What the HELL did I just read?
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